What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 04:19
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was very sick at this time too.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It was going to be , some day.
How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
If there was only one man remaining on the Earth, would this be regarded as extinction?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why is the covert narcissist actively avoiding me when they see me everyday?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Especially a lifetime of it.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
Ive learnt so much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What did i know ?
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Who is the most trusted person in your life, and do they have the same trust on you?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im still living with it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He knew the spot.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Who then, do I blame.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I waited trembling.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She wouldn,t have been !
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
All the time i was locked up.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was seconnd youngest,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Would this be the day?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
She married twice! .
I have no regrets .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So, i spoilt her more .